Jump to content

To the helpful

ColonicBoom

By ColonicBoom
in Off Topic

Recommended Posts

ColonicBoom

ColonicBoom

Posted
Posted

My connection has been shocking tonight, probably the worst it's ever been while not officially 'down'. I've been freezing in mid air and then being magically dead, rubber-banding and falling off the map, rubber bullets, deaths around corners, everything shitty about FPS lag.

 

Happy thoughts were still filling my head though as I have a new line from a different ISP on the way.

 

But I thought I'd try a spot of troubleshooting to see if I could improve things a bit anyway.

I set about disconnecting everything with the intention of replacing any iffy cables with new ones, going back through the settings and putting everything back together until I found the weak link (all the while with the frightening but slight doubt in the back of my mind that it could be something more seriously wrong with the Netduma).

 

So while everything was disconnected I thought I'd better play a couple of games of BO3 connected directly to my ISP hub (Virgin Superhub 3 - in modem mode), no devices can access wifi while it's in modem mode so the full awesome power of Virgin's 150down/10up service was being beamed straight up the arse of my Xbox One like a massive data-colonic.

 

The first game was pretty good compared to the previous hour or so...

Oh dear. So either the Netduma was knackered already or (hopefully) a cable has cooked - not relishing the thought that my ISP wasn't to blame all along.

 

I played on and the next game had a few odd occurrences but nothing too serious.

 

Game 3+4+5... Things returned to normal, not 'normal' actually, so much worse than normal.

I'm now teleporting backwards every 20 seconds or so and then throwing my flashbangs straight into the wall which I had already passed seconds ago, I'm seeing stuttering 'connection interrupted' messages that are so laggy that the message isn't sure whether it's coming or going and all the other lag-crap too of course.

It's as if the data-hose had slipped out of my Xbox's arse and there was binary-shit splattering all over my beautiful BO3 stats.

 

So I can happily confirm, and apologise for my momentary lack of faith, that not only is my Netduma functioning exactly as it should, it is somehow managing to subdue this torrent-of-shit connection and keep it (just barely) playable. I've put my network back exactly as it was now and will just quietly(ish) wait for the new ISP to arrive.

Kiss my arse Virgin.

 

I almost forgot...

The point of this tale is that so many people seem to get their Netduma, fail to set it up properly and then gob off in the shoutbox (or write some window-licking nonsense support thread about how it doesn't work.

 

"I can't score goals in Fifa anymore but I know I'm better than Messi"

"I can't get any games that don't lag, even though I have 100mb broadband"

"I want a refund cos I don't know what I'm doing"

etc.

 

Look at your ISP people! And look at yourselves. You may think you've got internet from heaven but you probably don't, and for God's sake read the wiki.

 

Admins, Mods, Fraser, and all the untitled others that can remain calm and help the 'entitled' knobs that keep popping up with astounding levels of stupid in their blood, keep doing your thing.

Although I do try to suppress my gobbiness and help people that ask nicely in the support threads, I know I can never be one of you because (I don't know shit about networks really and) I can't control myself if people post rude things or won't put in a bit of effort.

I feel compelled to tell these people that they are thick and lazy, to call them out and shout them down. I want to help the idiots see how stupid they actually are - it's in my nature.

 

And so I'm must lay in wait, a smart-mouthed bastard, for anyone that has not yet seen the light and is still stuck in the 'Netduma is to blame' faze and I will come down on them like Thor's hammer on Natalie Portman's mmm.

 

Thank you for your time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
ColonicBoom

ColonicBoom

Posted
  • Author
Posted

To much time on his hands ;)

 

When my connection isn't game-worthy and Overwatch hasn't arrived either...

It's forum time, eating or *****.

Who am I kidding, it's all three, just the order to make a decision on really.

 

 

It's not like he has a choice.  Being at the ass end of the ISP-Centipede, he has nothing but time.  ;)

 

The human centipede was on the other night, it's a crap film but I can now empathise with the poor sod at the back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
ColonicBoom

ColonicBoom

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I watched that film with my ex a while back actually, she set me up perfectly, it went like this...

 

 

Soul-destroying money vacuum (ex girlfriend):

"What's this about then? People sewed together to eat each others shit?

I don't get it, what's the point?"

 

 

Me:

"You remember that Southpark episode we watched where Kyle doesn't read Apple's terms and conditions? That was based on this film."

 

{5 minutes of rare and beautiful silence...}

 

Soul-destroyer:

"I really can't see where this is going..."

 

Me:

"Neither can the one at the back."

 

 

That's probably the best unintentional setup that anyone's ever given me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...